There is a quote that states “Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 72.” I've spoken to many people in my lifetime thus far and many, not all, can relate to something that changed immensely in their lives at that age.
Coincidence? Probably. But something happened to me that I'd like to share with you. Perhaps, it will help me get beyond the point of that in which I struggle with daily since I was of that age.
I buried my Father at the age of 27 and part of me went with him. A part that's still not reclaimed. I'm even more lonely now than I was that morning after I received the phone call.
12:17am. 13 rings. I can hear them even today. I'm haunted by them still.
He was part of me as I was a part of him. We never spoke much. He was not a man of many words. But he showed his love and his courage to me every time I saw him alive.
After the funeral, I met with so many of his friends and colleagues who considered him a dear acquaintance. Hazed faces, like after a hot August afternoon storm passed by me. But the same words were spoken. In slow motion.
“I'm here if you need anything.”
Some people are unsure about what to say or offer to others to help out or whatever the case may be when tragedy strikes. Back then, I didn't need them, I needed him.
But he was gone.
I focused on staring at the open casket. My Father was at peace. He wasn't enduring any pain. But I distinctly recall the amount of my tears that lightly stained his blue suit jacket. And I knew I wasn't okay.
But then it started.
To my knowledge up until that point, I never experienced a full blown panic attack. But it happened that day. Right there. That very moment.
I honestly can't remember going to the emergency room. The tests, the scans, the bloodwork. But the questions though, I do recall:
“Are you currently on any medications?”
“Are you on drugs?”
“Do you want to harm yourself or others?”
Then came a name for what was happening to me. Panic Disorder. And with it, the wonderful world of medications. And their side effects.
The beginning to an end. And the start of something that I battle with today.
Part two comes next time when we meet.
Until then, stay safe and always be kind to yourself and others.